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| Ive been off my meds for about 2 weeks now and there isnt that much of a difference except its harder to pretend that things are ok. I dont function in a regular atmosphere. As of now, my husband and I are living with his parents. He had to move me away from the drugs. How wonderful. I feel so out of place. Everything is a haze. How can people live like this. They get up and do the same things everyday. Same boring things. I have to do the same because my responsibility is to stay at home, stay clean, and make sure the house is cleaned up. Needless to say, I suck at it. Im not a stable person and I feel like im messing with everyone around me. Im rocking their stability. Maybe I should just go away. I tried killing myself, but for some reason or other they wouldnt let me. I dont know what choices I have. I really dont belong here in this world. I would say that my home is probably in hell.‡ | | |
| I am told that I should write more for my recovery.... If there is such a thing. This will follow me the rest of my life and theres nothing I can do about it. I made the decision a long time ago about what my futre holds. I could have predicted it months ago. I hurt so bad because of all of it. I hate the person Ive become. I hate the person that I have been in the past. I can find no light left in me. I just feel empty and dark. I love my husband and kids. I try really hard to be what they need me to be but I just keep letting them down. I dont know how to live. Now off to be locked up. Im not even scared. Im worried about how my family will be when Im away. I know that I probably will have to go away for a long time soon after I spend my 10-30 this time. Its fucked up and I know its my fault. Ive got to get through this and come out stronger. I hope my husband can thrive during the pressure. He is so fucking strong. He goes and does his thing everyday just to come home to me... crazy wife. He is so good to me. Oh my god. | | |
| Man... Trying to get inside the mind of someone else without talking to them. Its very difficult. Everything can have a different meaning. You think," Hey. This person does not want to talk to me.", but actually this person would be thinking,"Man. I am really busy. I will get back to you later." This is an exercise used in the haven house...a crisis home that has psychological criteria to meet before release... It takes your mind away from the always negative "self-talk". Pretty simple huh? Well its not that simple when you tell yourself that person is just busy, and you don't believe it. Then it just begins an exercise that delays the panic within. | | |
| Its a little strange that the featured question yesterday is "How would you greive after the death of a loved one?" Yesterday my husbands grandpa died. I dont have a good greiving process. I kinda push everything down. I start to feel and then it goes away like its an unconcious effort to never have feelings. Then all of a sudden it all slaps me in the face. I am not going to be able to go to the funeral to pay respects to him because jay and I have 2 kids and they arent really allowed to come because they are too young. I dont really know anyone to babysit either. It hurts to know that I cant be there. Seems I cant ever really be there now. Jay has his family... he doesnt really need me and my emotions are invisible so. anyway. Im going to miss junior. He was a really good person. Always smiling when I would go to see him. Always willing to give his love. More like a father to Jason. He and Jays mamaw raised him for a while. Im so sorry for Jason, but he seems okay for right now. Man... Well Im going to go now. Im feeling a little too depressed. Im gonna go do something else for a while. | | |
| I am worried about the world. The United States specifically. The government has become corrupt. This is why I have educated myself on the election this year. Things like the economy and global warming have no clear cut solution, but you have to read and listen to the candidates to see who has the better ideas. Over the past few months I have listened to Barak Obama and John Mccain speak many times. Mccain embraces Bush's policys mostly. Who would do that. Our economy has gone into one of the worst recessions since he has been in office. Obama on the other hand is embracing change. Change that we havent seen before I believe. He is going to work for the little man. People like my family. We cant make enough money to have a home, decent vehicle, food on the table, and good clothing for our children. We had to "team up" with Jasons parents so that we could all make it well. In a normal situation, this would not be how it works. In the kind of world I want, Jason and I would be able to have our own home, Jasons parents would be able to do very well on the income they make, and we would all be happy. Enough money to pay the bills with a little left over is not too much to ask for. So I am saying to all of you... Read and listen. You have to know the issues. You have to familiarize yourself with the candidates. Go online and look at the senate votes. See what the candidates have voted for before. See what they say now. I know that one man cant make the whole system run. I know that it has to be an effort amongst many men, but just find out who wants to make a difference. Then go and vote. Your vote does count. | | |
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